A narcissist’s emotional abuse of a spouse doesn’t start once divorce papers are signed. Most often it has been going on for years. Yet once a divorce begins, a narcissist’s abuse intensifies as he or she fears looking bad or at fault. It doesn’t matter whether the divorce was filed by the abused spouse or the narcissist. The dread of exposure fuels the narcissist’s abusive behavior. For the abused spouse, identifying these abusive behaviors is the first step in minimizing the impact.
Abusive Behaviors During Divorce
Narcissists will do anything to make their partners look bad. They have no qualms lying to lawyers, judges, social workers, teachers or other authority figures. They may lie about their partner’s parenting, alcohol/drug use, fidelity and abuse. Very often the things narcissists lie about are the very things they themselves are guilty of. The goal is to deflect negative attention and criticism from themselves and to put their partner on the defensive.
Narcissists can appear agreeable to their spouse outside of court in order to elicit agreements from them or other advantages in court. Once the abused spouse agrees to what the narcissist wants, the narcissist may refuse to honor his or her end of the bargain. The spouse will still be expected to honor his or her agreement, however. When the narcissist’s spouse withdraws his or her agreement, the narcissist may cite this as an example of how disagreeable he or she is.
If being agreeable doesn’t get them what they want, narcissists may bully their spouses. They use inflammatory language, threats and may even resort to physical violence. Narcissists may belittle their spouse with name-calling, character assassination and by blaming them for the failure of the marriage. They can threaten to take children, money and possessions unless their spouse gives them what they want.
Abusing Children During Divorce
Narcissists often use children as pawns during a divorce. Although narcissists may not have been very involved in parenting during the marriage, they often seek custody during the divorce. The goal is two-fold. First, narcissists believe they will look like the better parent by gaining custody and second, it gives them another way to control and further abuse their spouse. Unfortunately, in this sort of custody battle the children are abused as well.
If narcissists don’t get custody of the children they will seek control in other ways. They may be inconsistent with visitation times, either bringing children home late or not picking them up at all. They may say derogatory and untrue things about the custodial parent to the children in order to gain their support. They will regularly put children in the middle. The narcissistic parent may use the children to spy on the custodial parent or to communicate messages to the ex-spouse.
Coping With Narcissistic Abuse
The best thing abused spouses can do is to seek support from a therapist or a support group. A narcissist’s behavior is insidious and pervasive. Often it’s difficult for spouses of a narcissist to separate reality from the chaos the narcissist creates. Therapy and support can help abused spouses identify the narcissist’s abusive behavior.
It’s imperative that abused spouses hire a lawyer who understands narcissism and knows how to effectively combat the narcissist’s antics in court. A good lawyer will wade through the drama and lies and get abused spouses the best possible outcome in the divorce. Under no circumstances should abused spouses make agreements with their partner without a lawyer’s involvement.
Refusing to play the narcissist's games is key. As tempting as it may be, abused spouses can not retaliate by lying about their spouse or by threatening their spouse. It only makes matters worse. Documentation is essential. Abused spouses can gain credibility by not only documenting dates, times and details of the narcissist’s behavior but also child visitation schedules and phone calls. By limiting communication with the narcissist to email, the abused spouse will have a written record of any agreements or abuse.
Understanding that the narcissist’s behavior is abusive is the first step in coping with this situation. How narcissists act towards their spouses is rarely personal. It’s simply the way they operate. Their fear of criticism and negative attention during the divorce generally will cause their abuse to escalate. As painful as it may be, knowing these things can help abused spouses gain emotional distance and better cope with the narcissist’s behavior.
Paula Lovgren - Paula is a freelance writer, gardener, garden designer and mother to two children and three cats. She has previously worked as a marketing ...
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