Emotional Distance in Relationships

When You No Longer Connect With Your Partner

Apr 12, 2007
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Sometimes a partner is emotionally distant but physically present. Fear of intimacy is a predictor of emotional distance & later physical separation. Here's how to cope.

Emotional distance in relationships occurs when you no longer connect with your partner on an emotional, spiritual, or intellectual level.

Emotional distance happens when your partner just isn't "there" somehow, when you no longer connect with your partner. You feel like you're talking to and sharing your honest feelings with a wall. When your partner offers a response, it's remote, guarded, lacking in intimacy - perhaps because of a fear of intimacy. Emotional distance can come before a physical separation; in fact, intimate partners may develop certain defense mechanisms to protect feelings and protect themselves from pain in intimate relationships.

This can happen to either partner in the relationship, whether you're gearing up to leave…or be left.

Sigmund Freud developed the idea of defense mechanisms; his daughter Anna Freud conceptualized them. These following defense mechanisms are written to reflect a conversation between a woman who has grown emotionally distant and a man who wants to reconnect with his partner. Note that these are just four of about twenty defense mechanisms.

Sigmund Freud's Defense Mechanisms in Emotionally Distant Relationships

Projection. "Me, distant? No way! You're distant, you're hardly ever home, and you never initiate conversation." She assigns her feelings to him so she doesn't have to face that she no longer connects with her partner. Her feelings are pushed outside of herself, which alleviates anxiety and tension because her feelings are expressed and admitted – but not accepted as her own.

Denial. "You're crazy! We're just as close as we were when we got married. You don't know what you're talking about." She refuses to admit the reality of the emotional distance. You know you no longer connect with your partner, and you're certainly not crazy! This defense mechanism is the opposite of repression, which releases control from internal pressures. Denial releases control from external pressures.

Reaction formation. "Emotionally distant? But I love you and want to be near you all the time. Can we spent the weekend together, just the two of us?" She's convinced herself that there are no problems in the relationship; she loves her partner more than ever and doesn't admit not connecting with her partner. True feelings are hidden because they're too hard to handle. She does a complete about face, becoming extremely solicitous, loving, and attentive.

Repression. "Distant? I have no idea what you're talking about. We talk every day, don't we?" She's repressing her feelings. It's not a conscious, deliberate forgetting; it's unconscious. She may not even be aware that she's shutting her partner out and becoming more emotionally distant; she just has a desire to subdue her impulses. This leads her to no longer connect with her partner.

According to some psychoanalysts, repression is the most common way to combat desires. Instead of admitting an attraction or impulse it's easier to hold it in the subconscious.

So What Do You Do?

Accusing your partner of being defensive may not be the most effective method of facing emotional distance. Sometimes problems in communication are resolved, making the relationship healthy and strong. You could try inviting your partner to write or draw her feelings, which may be less intimidating than talking. You could gently suggest the existence of defense mechanisms and initiate an open, honest discussion. You could practice showing your love to your partner, which may eventually break down the barriers.

If you partner absolutely refuses to admit a problem exists, you may want to consider getting counseling or leaving the relationship. If you're unhappy and your partner can't meet you halfway, then it could be time to let go and reevaluate not only your relationship, but your life as well.

If you found Emotional Distance in Relationships helpful, try:

Emotional Cheating
Surviving an Emotional Affair
10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup
How to Stay Faithful to Your Partner

Laurie Pawlik Kienlen, Psychology Feature Writer, Bruce Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.

Comments

Oct 17, 2008 10:47 PM

Guest :

My partner says I am emotionally distant from her and have been for our entire 33 year marriage. I really don't understand what she means by saying I'm "emotionally distant". I don't even know that I am. Nevertheless, I'd like to read up on the issue and how to become more emotionally closer to her. Any suggestions?

Oct 18, 2008 9:12 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

One of the most important things is to figure out what "emotional distance" means to her. Ask her to be as specific as possible - is it not telling her what happened at work, or is it not talking about how you feel about your kids' behaviors? Reading about emotional distance and fear of intimacy is great, but having that knowledge is much more effective if you can apply it to your actual relationship.

Go to your library, bookstore, or amazon.com and research "emotional distance" and "fear of intimacy". I'd suggest picking a book that resonates with you, and that you'll be able to read cover to cover. Finding the right book involves a little research on your part -- it's hard for me to recommend something without knowing you or your wife.

Good luck -- it can be hard for men to open up, but they do, and they're healthier and happier for it!

Take care, and feel free to come back and tell me how you're doing.

- Laurie

Nov 17, 2008 10:28 PM

Guest :

i 20 years old and my love is a few years older than me i am with her for the 3rd year now we were just a friend until i told her i love her not in the best way but i told her i love her since i told her 2 years have past we dont talk much lots of eye contact and smiles i am not sure if she likes me or not she dosent talk much to me or maybe i dont talk to her much any way all he answers me is thank you,, i am scared of being rejected ,, once our supervisor asked her to finish this either you love him or not but i said thank you is ok i dont want to finish it ,
some times we go out together we talk about my family our career other stuf i am confused dose she love dose like or she just want to be my friend , just a friend i want to move my relation ship to the step level but i am scared next step is a step closer to the last painful step
please help
thanks

Nov 19, 2008 11:13 AM

Guest :

Hello,
My partner is having a emotional affair. She is not telling me where she is when asked and does admit to a councler that she has been emotionaly involved. I don't know if the relationship is worth the effort to work at this. We have been together for 29 years and nothing like this has ever happened. She is lying to me about where she goes and tells me its none of my business and she needs some personal space. That part I do understand its healthy to have the space but when confronted the fight starts and the none of your business comes out. There are too many secrets and lies about this person. She even bought a separate cell phone to where I found the recept in her wallet. Is this worth my effort with the added stress or do I move on. Can you help with some suggestions Please..

Nov 23, 2008 6:25 PM

Guest :

Is it possible to learn to be more emotionally available to others? I have had a lot of terrible experiences in my life - I thought that I was able to get through them and not let it effect my future, but I was wrong. I have come to realize that I completely shut down when emotional situations arise. I'm beginning to see a very lonely life for myself.

Nov 26, 2008 5:11 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Yes, emotional distance and separation does make for a very lonely life.

And yes! it is possible to learn to open up. I did it :-) Counseling helped me learn how to be more vulnerable -- but I think if you're insightful and self-aware, you can "train" yourself to recognize when you're shutting people out, and "force" yourself to open up. This is an ongoing process - and you won't be all open and emotionally available all the time (nobody is).

Take baby steps. When you see yourself pulling away, try something that connects you to others -- sometimes even just saying "I don't know what to say right now, but I want to connect with you" helps! If you feel confused, scared, hurt, or angry, share it without accusing others....that's how you become vulnerable.

Let me know how you're doing....

Best wishes,
Laurie

Dec 2, 2008 1:11 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

To the person who's wife is pulling away:

Only you can decide if it's worth the effort to try and rebuild your relationship, or to move on. And of course you have to consider what her opinion! Does she see you two together - why is she pulling away? You need to talk to her, and figure out what's going on with her. That'll help you decide what to do with your relationship.

Good luck, and feel free to post again - tell me how you're doing...

Laurie

Dec 12, 2008 11:29 PM

Guest :

Hi I'm 25 years old lady with a 9 years old child. I had no good relationship with my ex-hubby.I tried my best to accommodate with him N forget about the way he treated me but things didn work out so we decided to separate.Now i'm in love with a man who says that he loves me truely N honestly regardless of my martial status.He is in my contact for the past 2 years but we have not meet in person yet as he lives in another city N he wants me2 clear up thoes mess i've been in. Of course I am single now but not ready to go into another relationship but its true I have develope a great feeling toward this man N I love this man very much.He has proposed me several times N said that he could wait for me but I still have no answer.How do i say 'yes' N how can I trust him? if he has something bad intention on his mind why would he said that he wait for me since he knows everything about me...your suggestion will be highly appreciated(confused lady)

Dec 14, 2008 8:01 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

It's probably not a good idea to accept a marriage proposal from someone you've never met in person! Is it possible for him to move to your area, so you can build a more realistic relationship, and he can meet your daughter? Agreeing to marry someone if you feel confused, worried, scared, or uncertain about trusting him isn't a good idea.

Dec 23, 2008 9:52 PM

Guest :

Hi, I am twenty years old and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and three months. He has intimacy issues because he was raised to be defensive around any type of close relationships. His parents were not good role models in the love department as he has told me they never hugged him or said i love you to him while he grew up and did not really support him. When we first started dating I wasnt aware of the emotional difficulty he has. But as it progressed it was very obvious that he has issues with emotions. He has had two Emotional affairs and has kissed two other women while we have been together. Both women initiated the kiss and he backed off when they did so but he was emailing one of them about going out for drinks and to keep it on the downlow. I confronted him about this and he said that after their first meeting he hasnt talked to her. I found out about these women a year into the relationship one he told me himself about and the other i found out about and then confronted him of what i had heard and he confirmed it.
I have decided though that this relationship is worth working on. I love him and know that he has issues that he needs to deal with and he has admitted to having them and wanting to work on them. But i dont see him putting this into action. And since i have found out i get angry at him for no reason sometimes. My friends say he is not worth my time but that is not how i feel. I just dont know how to work out my own issues with what has happened as well as accept that this cant go away over night. How can i help him in working out these issues? And also how can i start to work out my own insecurities about the relationship? I am always worried now that he is seeing another women or talking to another women intimately and he denies having seen or recently being with anyone other then those two women. I am his first serious relationship the ones in his past never reached the point we have (most were casual sex with friends) Do you have any advice on the matter? thank you for your time.
- vanessa

Dec 23, 2008 11:46 PM

Guest :

Dec 24, 2008 10:01 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi Vanessa, thanks for sharing your struggles!

While this isn't an advice column, I can say that you can't help your boyfriend work on his issues -- you can only work on your own. The more secure you are in your own personality and life, the less jealous and insecure you'll be in your relationships. How do you get more secure? Taking risks (new jobs, going back to school, travel, pushing yourself beyond you comfort zone, etc) -- and building your identity as a woman.

When you're happy with who you are, then you'll know whether your relationship is worth continuing.

I hope this helps, at least a little! I can't tell you how to help your boyfriend, because that's not your job. He has to find ways to work out his own issue.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Feb 17, 2009 10:38 PM

Guest :

Advice needed. I am a 42 yo woman--never married and w/o children. About 7 years ago, I decide to stop dating after two failed relationships (8 years and 3 years respectively). I went on a dating sabbatical. 7 months ago, I decide to end the sabbatical. I met a man. He was 25 and I 41 at the time. He is now 26. I reluctantly agreed to go to a movie with him after much persuasion(never having dated a younger man). To make a long story short, the relationship turned into a 7 month affair. I am considered extremely attractive. I look about 32. He is also very attractive and looks about 32.
The relationship became very intense. He talked of marriage on a consistent basis. Literally for about 5 months of the relationship I did everything to deter it. I couldn't see what a 26 year old man would want with a 42 yo woman no matter how attractive. I had been away from the dating scene for a while but I soon discovered that it is now common for younger men to pursue older women. I still thought it odd. No matter his protestations of love—I didn’t allow myself to trust. I put him through a lot. My fear was that this was some game to have sex without commitment or some flippant child like infatuation. I simply could not spend time with a man that wasn’t going to lead to marriage (which is what I desire). However after about 5 months, he won my heart. I decided to trust and let go (allow myself to love him). His actions proved honorable throughout the 5 months. He was very loving, very attentive, and very dependable. However about two months ago, he informed me that he was getting a bit nervous. He said he now has concerns about our age difference—that he never had until I, his friends and family and my own father kept bringing to his attention. He said he didn’t want to regret marrying me. A month later he completely distanced himself. I haven’t seen him in 4 weeks (we live about 1 hour away from each other). Now he says he just needs time away. He used to call several times a day—now I hear from him about once a week. He says he still loves me deeply, but he is unsure. He says he still wants a committed relationship--that I should trust him. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that I can. I love him very much. I am so afraid of losing him but I am also afraid of repeating the same cycle from my past. I believe in my heart that mentally he doesn’t want the relationship but his heart hasn’t caught up. Should I end the relationship now or trust and stay a while longer?

Feb 18, 2009 6:48 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Before you make this important decision - whether to end the relationship - I encourage you to deal with your reluctance to be with a younger man! It sounds like he was very happy with you, but your own hesitations and doubts helped drive a wedge. I know other people disagreed with your age difference as well, but I believe when two people are both committed to their relationship, they're more likely to overcome the opinions of other people.

If you want a healthy, happy relationship with this man, you may need to deal with your doubts once and for all. Relationships are hard enough, without one partner doubting the whole foundation! Why are you so reluctant to be with a younger man? Figuring that out, dealing with that, may open you up to being more committed to him, your relationship, and a healthy you!

And remember that there are no guarantees in love, no matter how old anyone is.

I can't tell you whether you should stay or go, but I do think you should -- we ALL should -- wrestle with our own issues, which often cause problems in our relationships. Once we get our own stuff straight, we find that relationships are a little less complicated. Just a LITTLE :-)

Follow your heart and your gut, and don't let fears and insecurities dictate your life.

Laurie

Mar 16, 2009 3:01 PM

Guest :

Distance is a sure sign my wife is harboring something against me.
I have to move carefully when I notice it. The distancing is likely
to last a month or more once it starts, but it always "ends"
eventually. We've been through marriage counseling and have
better communication skills than before. Her distancing is a sure
sign it's time for me to pay attention and take care of business -
namely making sure I treat my wife with care and regard. I'm curious
if anyone else has a spouse who goes through periods of distance like this.

Best to all.

Jul 21, 2009 12:54 PM

Guest :

I have been dating my emotionally distant boyfriend for 6 months. We had been dating on and off for about 2 years before that (physical distance was an obstacle—now we live close to each other). He has not told me that he loves me. I feel emotionally frustrated that I can't tell him how I feel (for fear he will feel pressured to reciprocate). But I did tell him how I felt when he asked me way back when we commited to an exclusive relationship. I feel upset and hurt and angry that he doesn't feel it is important to tell me that he loves me. And if he doesn't love me—than do I really want to be with someone that is taking this long to figure it out? Emotional distance can be a tricky thing, in that it isn't a clearly defined reason for ending a relationship. The partner who is being emotionally distant may feel everything is going very well, as they don't require that kind of emotional validation themselves. But the resentment continues to grow in our relationship, and I don't think I can bear it any longer. Of course I will talk to him about it, and give him a chance to explain, but I am not sure I can accept any explanation. I know he has been hurt in a past relationship, but everyone gets hurt at some point. People have to move on. You can't carry that hurt and let it destroy your future relationships. You have to put yourself out there and feel vulnerable again. By putting up that wall you will only push people away, and lose the chance you had with somebody great, someone who loves you very much. Tell them how you feel—no matter how uncomfortable it is for you. And if you aren't ready to do it, explain to your partner your challenges. At least they will have a better chance of understanding, and working with you to get what they need. And with practice, you might just find out how rewarding a deep emotional connection can be.

Nov 9, 2010 2:48 PM

Guest :

I am with a guy 53 yrs old who was married for 18 mos over 20 years ago.
Very much a commitmentphobe, he is deathly afraid of someone getting too close,
shattering his heart, and having to face another dead relationship. It is a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts - he is pushing away the very thing he wants. But the fear dominates him. He has admitted that he can't take one more loss. He compensates by being a workaholic - avoiding intimacy - and then wonders why the relationship falls apart. At this age - I don't see how he will change much. He is gone 16 hrs a day - 6 days a week. Do you stay? Or do you go? If you go - you are proving him right. Another one... failed. If you stay --- you sell your soul
to the Devil. Damned if you do - damned if you don't.

May 19, 2011 3:25 PM

Guest :

I am 53 years old and am in the uk. My husband is emotionally distant and throughout our 17 years of marriage, I have never felt so lonely. I think its becauise of problems with his dad when he was growing up. To be honest the whole situation is useless and I have not neen in love with hubby for years now so perhaps this has also contributed to him being emotionally absent.

Shirl

Jun 8, 2011 1:03 PM

Guest :

Everyone who is unfortunately in a relationship with an emotionally distant partner deserves a lot better. Those who leave and find love with a more emotionally available partner are very glad they did. And wonder why they ever wasted years of their lives on someone incapable of being a true partner. The answer to someone who wants more space and way less connection in marriage is wave goodbye. You will not be sorry.

Nov 17, 2011 8:24 AM

Guest :

Me and my partner are together from last 7 years and like every relationship, ours also had ups and downs. She is ambitious at times and also lazy many times..she is over weight and that never bothered me and she used to tell me that she finds it surprising that I never comment on her weight and she likes that etc. I am separated but not divorced and she is single and this was a point of botheration for her most of the time but I have many issues to settle before I head for divorce and she understood that and kept silent or rather- she had reconciled to this fact according to her own words. And she intends being single, doesnt wants to marry. We became pretty close and so much so that I relocated from my place to her place ( as in city) but we never moved in together. Her another trait is that she is a stickler for details and pretty tidy and keeps an eye on what you shd wear and what you should not including colour combinations ! She is short tempered and I am very patient and the equation was pretty much under control. All of a sudden one day, around 2 months ago she flared up on our way to a movie since I was wearing the same dress which I was wearing 2 weeks ago when we went to another movie. She was silent thru out and then mailed - I think there is nothing common between us and we dont have any topics to talk too on the same plain and this and that and also she thinks she has gone forward in life and I am still where I am and so she wants to move on and do only those things which gives her happiness, life is short we all have one life and all that kinda talk. She had done this many times before and has become pretty fine later. This time she is still distant. After this incident she went out of country on official work for 3 weeks and mailed one day that she used to think she will find a perfect man only out of country and she thinks she has found one now and talked much about him. I played along and ignored all what she told about him since she was on a TRIP in life ! We still regularly exchanged mails and messages till she came back and then I recieved her at the airport and then dropped her and 2-3 days later which is like 3 weeks from today....she has remained silent with minimal contact which can be termed as NIL. And once or twice when I called, typical one or two word replies and ok AM busy now which I think she is because she has to submit a project report. But there were earlier incidents too where there was too much work but still she used to call for 10-15 mins before she used to go to bed. All that has come to a HALT now. Am thinking if I broach the subject it might reach a flash point again and keeping shut. Now my doubt or concern is - what should I do to rekindle the spark or is it too early yet or it is futile and I should move on. I love this woman and I dont want to loose her. But I also know I shdnt be a stalker. I am 45 and she is 40. Any suggestions or inputs ? She is too hard wired at times and also pretty head strong

Mar 20, 2012 2:52 PM

Guest :

I have a boyfriend for 4 months, we are in a long distance relationship now, because he moved to CA for few months. Since he moved back hes being emotional distant, I've been trying to stay closer (emotionally) as much as I can but Im starting to feel frustrated because I dont feel he is doing his part. I know he is depressed and going throu a lot emotional pressures. So I would like help to get closer to him without sounding needy or bitchy. Thanks

Mar 23, 2012 12:37 PM

Guest :

My boyfriend and I had something of a tiff (well, not really, he's so passive). I was feeling upset over a lack of support in my career choice (scuba instructor) and I was being very rash about the whole thing and he just took it. I apologized, of course, and we made up, but since then he's been distant and I, well, feel like I'm talking to a wall. Like he's there but he's really "there." I mean, he gets consumed in with programming work, family, friends, etc., and I'm fine with that, but this feels different.

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