Christmas and the holiday season tends to inspire some pretty humorous holiday sayings and quotations. Funny Christmas quotations and holiday sayings are a great addition to a Christmas card, a scrapbook or a note, so consider the following humorous and funny sayings for the holidays and Christmas.
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." ~ Johnny Carson
"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." ~ Dave Barry
"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." ~ Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying: 'Toys not included.'" ~ Bernard Manning
""I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays." ~ Henry Youngman
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." ~ Shirley Temple
"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together." ~ Garrison Keillor
"No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. ~ Emma Bombeck
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." ~ Joan Rivers
"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present." ~ Unknown
"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" ~ Bill Watterson in Calvin and Hobbes
"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." ~ Johnny Carson
"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered." ~ Phyllis Diller
"Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." ~ Dennis Miller
"Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ." ~ Bart Simpson in The Simpsons
"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit." ~ Unknown
"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark." ~ Dick Gregory
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day." ~ Phyllis Diller
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." ~ Victor Borge
More Holiday Quotations and Sayings
Looking for some more humorous holiday sayings and quotes? Or maybe you're seeking some inspiring and touching Christmas quotations and sayings? Check out Holiday Sayings and Christmas Quotations for more great holiday quotes.
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Mia Carter - Mia Carter - Journalist, Producer/Editor & Web Writer. Carter's work has appeared on CBS and CNN.com.
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