Letting go of guilty and shameful feelings involves recognizing what guilt, shame, embarrassment, and humiliation actually are.
In her chapter entitled "Understanding Shame", Brené Brown described the differences between feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated (in I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame). Guilty feelings are common and confusing.
"We often use the terms embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, and shame interchangeably," writes Brown. "Although there is a small group of researchers who believe that all four of these emotions are related...the vast majority of researchers believe the four are separate, distinct experiences." Guilty feelings are different than feelings of shame.
Brené Brown's research shows that they are four different emotional responses. Guilty feelings are often used as an umbrella to cover shame and humiliation.
Letting Go of Guilt
Often confused with shame, guilty feelings can actually induce positive changes. Guilty feelings and shame both revolve around self-evaluation, but shame is more about you as a person than your behavior or actions. Guilty feelings mean "I did something bad" – it's about actions or behavior. When our actions conflict with our values or beliefs, we have appropriate guilty feelings. Guilt can motivate us to apologize and make amends.
If you have guilty feelings, you're more likely to stop the behavior than if you feel ashamed.
Letting Go of Shame
According to Brown, shame often leads to worse behavior or paralysis. Shame means "I am bad" – it's about who you are as a person (as opposed to guilty feelings). Shame can lead to thoughts such as, "I'm so stupid, thoughtless, uncaring. I'm no good. I have a terrible personality!" Shame is about feeling like an outsider, self-loathing, exposure, and being rejected. It's intensely painful, and makes you feel like you're flawed and unworthy of acceptance. Guilty feelings aren't as pointed.
To let go of guilt and shame, you must learn whether you feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, or humiliated. Letting go of shame and guilt is important because shame can be the source of more destructive behaviors. If you feel ashamed, you're more likely to continue the behaviors that cause shame – like a negative downward spiral (not a positive upward one, which can be induced by guilty feelings.)
Feelings of Humiliation
"People believe they deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation," says Donald Klein in Brown's book. If you think another person's words or actions about your own behavior are unfair and undeserved, then you feel humiliated. This is quite different than guilty feelings.
Repeated humiliation often turns to shame. That is, if people insult or demean you constantly, you're more likely to feel bad about yourself. Children who are humiliated are likely to act out or shut down - and their guilty feelings won't lead to positive changes.
Feelings of Embarrassment
Brown describes embarrassment as the least powerful of these four emotions. It's fleeting and normal. That is, the behavior is eventually funny and it's something that is generalized to all humans – such as stumbling over a crack in the sidewalk or telling a joke poorly. We know the situation will go away, and we know it happens to everyone. It's not about shame or guilty feelings.
In I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame, Brown describes four elements of dealing with shame and guilty feelings:
- Recognizing Shame and Understanding Our Triggers
- Practicing Critical Awareness
- Reaching Out
- Speaking Shame
Brown describes how to practice courage, compassion, and connection – and how to reclaim power and courage in our culture of shame. Get rid of guilty feelings and live freely!
Related Resources on Guilt and Shame
Resources for Emotional Healing includes a list of articles on personal growth and dealing with other people, which can help with guilt and shame.
To learn about depression and other mental health issues, go to Psychology and Mental Health Articles.
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.
Join the Conversation