It can be tough to reason with kids (or anyone else, for that matter) when emotions are running high. Often, when conflicts are at their worst, the best thing to do is try to lower the heat a little before trying to resolve the situation. But how to do that? It often seems that when kids are upset, nothing anyone can say can help the situation. But there are things that adults can do to help de-escalate tense situations. Try these ten ideas.
Give Time to Regroup
Often, a little time to calm down is all that’s needed to defuse a potentially loaded situation. Stop talking, stop trying to prove a point, and take a break.
Give Space to Calm Down
Sometimes kids need physical distance to chill out. Make sure they are safe and supervised, but try to back off and give them room to pace, punch pillows, vent, and otherwise express themselves.
Remove any Audience Present
Kids will perform for other kids, and if their pride is involved, they won’t back down if they think other kids are watching to see what he’ll do next. It can be difficult to get a teen who is upset to leave the room: sometimes you have to remove the bystanders. Either way, taking away a teen’s stage lessens the likelihood that things will get worse simply because he wants to save face.
Align With the Teen
Try to avoid a confrontational, win/lose positioning. It’s more productive to try to adopt a “you and me against the problem” attitude. Things will calm down a lot quicker when the teen views the adult as an ally rather than the enemy.
Stay Respectful
Avoid sarcasm and belittling comments; they will only make the situation worse. Instead, keep comments respectful and calm. With any luck, doing so will help the teen lower her level of hostility and upset, as well.
Use Reflective Listening
Instead of focusing on what they want to say, adults who focus on what the teen is trying to say usually fare better in these situations. Try repeating back to the teen what they are saying. It will help them calm down, make them feel listened to, and help clarify what’s happened.
Mirror Emotions
Don’t just reflect the content of what they’re saying; help identify emotions, too. This alleviates one of the major obstacles of adult-teen communication: when teens feel that they are not understood. A simple comment like, “You sound really frustrated,” or “that must have made you angry,” goes a long was to building rapport and getting emotions under control.
Let Kids Save Face
Resist the compulsion to get the last word in or win every point. Kids need to feel some sense of control, and feel that they are respected. Beating things into the group won’t accomplish this.
Save Lessons for Later
Don’t worry about driving any points home while teens are visibly upset. If he is agitated, he won’t hear it anyway, and it might make things worse. Its better to wait until things have been calm for awhile.
Swap out Adults
Sometimes, the adult that was present simply cannot be the adult that helps the teen solve the problem. Some kids personalize things way too much for this to happen. Don’t hesitate to call in a substitute if it seems like things are running in circles and one is available.
Use these ten strategies to increase respect and positive communication when dealing with teens to help de-escalate tense and emotional situations. Once things are calm, productive problem solving can begin.
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Susan Carney - I have been working as a middle school counselor with 6th and 7th grade students for the past thirteen years. I received a BA in ...
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