Improving communication in relationships is important because some men misread women's body language, which damages relationships. For instance, research shows that up to 85% of college women have experienced men attempting to escalate intimacy to uncomfortable levels, because men misread women's body language.
New research from the University of California (Davis) reveals why men misread body language during physical intimacy. Michael Motley is a communication professor who studies and writes about interpersonal communication; he recently edited an academic book called Studies in Applied Interpersonal Communication (Sage Publications, 2008).
Below, Motley offers suggestions about improving communication in relationships.
How Men Misread Body Language
Motley calls this nonverbal miscommunication the “introspection explanation,” and explains how it works:
"When she says 'It's getting late,' he may hear 'So let's skip the preliminaries,'" says Motley. "The problem is that he is interpreting what she said by trying to imagine what he would mean -- and the only reason he can imagine saying 'It's getting late' while making out is to mean 'Let's speed things up.'"
Men misread body language by hearing what they think the woman means. That is, men tend to infer women’s meanings by applying what they would mean if they were the women.
Motley says, "Males' inferred meanings for women's indirect sexual resistance messages are more similar to the meanings males would have intended by those same messages than to the meanings women intend."
For instance, when men hear “I’m seeing someone else,” they could interpret it as “I want to go further, but I don’t want the other guy to find out” or I want to go further but I’m not committed to you,” " says Motley. "The miscommunication in relationships or physical intimacy arises when men misunderstand what women really mean when they say, “I’m seeing someone else”, “Let’s stop this,” or “It’s getting late.” "
For Women - How to Improve Communication in Relationships
- To help men read body language accurately, be direct with your words. If you mean “stop” or “I don’t want to be sexually intimate with you because I have a boyfriend,” then be clear.
- Avoid situations that could lead to problems if you can’t be direct. This includes avoiding men who don’t respect your wishes.
- Be aware that men can misread body language (and so do women, of course!).
For Men - How to Improve Communication in Relationships
- Respect what women say, and respond appropriately when they say “stop” or “I don’t want to do this.”
- Ask for clarification when you’re in doubt.
- Be aware of how women communicate. Sometimes indirect body language is misleading, but it’s part of improving communication.
- Make sure you don’t apply your own meaning to her words. Try to understand her meaning, not your interpretation of her words.
- Ask women to be more direct and clear. Men will misread body language a lot less frequently if both men and women are clear about what they want.
If you found How Men Misread Women's Body Language interesting, you might like:
Source: University of California at Davis Press Release. (April 22, 2008). “Why College Men Hear ‘Yes’ When Women Mean ‘No’”
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen is a full-time writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC, and the creator of the Quips and Tips blog series.
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