According to the US Administration on Aging, persons 65 years or older numbered 39.6 million in 2009. That represented 12.9% of the U.S. population, or about one in every eight Americans. By 2030, there will be about 72.1 million older persons. Adult children of aging parents are trying to find the right words to open lines of communication before there is an emergency.
Preparing for the Conversation With Elderly Parents
Professionals advise engaging in communication before a crisis arises. By the time mother crashes into three parked cars per week, the discussion about driving is overdue. Seniors want to maintain independence, so giving up such things as driving privileges and living in their own homes can be disheartening. Visiting nursing homes or assisted living facilities at this point can be overwhelming.
When adult children still operate on a parent-child relationship with parents, rather than on a peer-peer level, having these discussions is more difficult. And once changes begin, it can become challenging.
When health declines for example, medications affect alertness, and money goes to medical bills, changes stack up quickly. Start with the most serious.
Eleanor Covan, Ph.D, professor of Gerontology at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, notes that many parents live away from their children. And while children may want to help, parents may choose to tell their children about their affairs, or not. Having someone who knows what to do is the important thing, says Covan. She advises everyone, no matter their age, to complete the following:
- Advance directives
- Records about wishes on a variety of things.
- Wills
- Thoughts about what they will leave others, not just “stuff”. What legacy do they leave? What is important to them?
- Each person should ask: what will my loved one or caregiver need to know? Create a notebook and give it to somebody.
The 40-70 Rule® for Discussions on Senior Care
Home Instead Senior Care ® has devised a program to facilitate communication between parents and adult children. The premise is that when a person is at least 40 years of age or has a parent who is at least 70 years of age, discussions should begin. The program grew out of research showing that nearly one-third of adults in the US have a communication problem with parents because of the parent-child roles.
On the website, readers can assess their own communication skills, explore communication starters and communication tips.
Covan lists items caregivers will need to know:
- Basic information on banks and stocks.
- Location of the will (if they have one) or name of the attorney who drew it up.
- Medical information: Doctors, medications and doses, including over the counter meds. Facility where surgery was done. Names of specialists.
- Insurance: Name and location of the insurance company/papers.
- Religion: Name of the church, temple, synagogue or a spiritual leader the parent would like to be involved.
- Names of friends.
- What is life worth living for them? Know about caring for the soul of another person and not just the body.
Planning Ahead With Aging Parents
Having an adult-to-adult talk with parents while they are still healthy and cognizant is the best plan. Present scenarios about what could happen if there is no plan. With no agreement for example, their end of life wishes could be contradicted. Professionals advise respecting the desires of parents and giving assurances that their wishes will be followed as reasonably as possible. Come to an agreement that safety will come first. Then if a crisis arises, everyone will feel prepared.
Sources:
Administration on Aging. "Aging Statistics" (accessed August 17, 2010).
Home Instead Senior Care®. "40-70 Rule" (accessed August 17, 2010).
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