In an important study from George Washington University it was discovered that negative parents have a higher rate of causing bad behavior in comparison to their positive parenting opposites. Getting angry with a child or giving an occasional spanking will not do permanent damage but constant negative interaction will have a very high impact for damage.
In an encounter with an angry child it is important to remember how to REACT, which is explained below.
R – Remove the guilt or blame. Just because a child is angry does not mean it is directed at the parent. Even wonderful parents can have a difficult child. Try to keep from taking it personal. Never give up. Just because the child is difficult does not always meant the parent is ineffective. A parent must learn to have forgiveness not only for the child but for himself/herself.
E – Education is important for understanding. What is going on in the child’s life? Find out who the child is associating with and what is going on at school. Education is one of the most vital steps in helping a parent be prepared for anger in children. A parent should never assume that the child is just “bad”. Look into different reasons for the anger. Check out attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), oppositional defiant disorder, perhaps a learning disability or a need for glasses.
Leonard Eron's Anger Study
Leonard Eron's study in "Sons of Violence" that appeared in Psychology Today on July 1, 1992, observed 870 eight-years-old in New York. In the study that spans 32 years, he studied the types of punishments and how severely they were administered. He used a scale that ranged from no physical punishment at all to slaps and spankings. He then questioned the other students to gauge how aggressive and angry the punished students were. A correlation was observed between how harshly they were punished and their anger levels.
He went back 20 years later to observe them as adults and found they were aggressive adults with aggressive children. Parents can stop the cycle of excessive aggression and anger by being aware of their interaction with their child.
A – Acknowledge and accept the fact that the child will have occasions when he/she will get angry. It is part of human nature to have moments of frustration and annoyance. Accepting this will help parents find a way to deal with it when it occurs. Most angry children will mature and learn how to live with their difficult temperaments. As children learn to overcome negative aspects of their personalities or temperaments they are building character.
Jerome Kagan and Brain Behavior
Parents may find it difficult to understand why their child is so angry but it is important to remember the theory of Harvard Professor Jerome Kagan. He noted that in the article "How We Become who We Are" in the September/October 1998 issue of Family Therapy Magazine that “the brains of a million people are like a million different cans of tomato soup, each having a slightly different combination of rosemary, pepper, salt, and thyme. Each particular brain profile influences mood affect, and behavior. Although a child is born with a temperamental bias, the environment soon begins to act on it.”
C – Cheerlead, coach, and counsel the child. Sometimes a short comment will work where excessive management will not. Coaching involves starting off giving each child a “you can do it” if the parent feels a difficult situation may occur.
To cheerlead, a parent needs to use words of praise when the child does something great. “Way to go, Sally”, “Great job, John”. Counseling, just like in school, is a two-way conversation between parent and child. The parent needs to make sure to do a large amount of listening and to keep a calm tone. Sometimes this can be an informal situation, for example while watching a video or playing a game.
Ways to Keep a Child Busy
T – Territory check. Where is the outburst happening? Are other children causing the issues? How about certain times of the day? Be aware of when the anger is being triggered. It is the parents’ responsibility to place their child in a good territory. Keep the child busy. Involve the child in sports, church, scouts, and other things the child finds interesting. Older children often do not want to spend time at home, it is the parents’ responsibility to steer them toward good peers and choices.
With all the stressors and responsibilities on parents it is easy to find anger rising to the surface when dealing with children and teenagers. Remember to stay calm and think of goals in the long run. As the role model, the parent is the one who needs to exhibit a calm exterior and a way out of the anger.
Sources:
Kagan, Jerome. "How We Become Who We Are." Family Therapy Magazine, Sept/Oct 1998.
Williams, R. Anger Kills. New York: Random House, 1993.
Brenda Gargus - Brenda Gargus has a Masters' degree in Psychology and an undergraduate degree in Education. She has taught for 29 years in a variety of ...
Join the Conversation