Even though many people are perfectly comfortable sending their condolences by email or text messages, there are many times when it is more appropriate and potentially more beneficial for the recipient to send sympathies in a condolence note or sympathy card.
The old custom of sending condolences as cards and notes can be very helpful for the person struggling to deal with the loss of a loved one. Reading cards that share happy memories and stories of the loved one can be a ray of hope during an otherwise difficult time.
Remember that condolence notes or sympathy notes do not need to be long elaborate messages. They can be a few lines or a written recollection of a fun or meaningful story. Many people grieving a loss appreciate the fact that someone took the time to sit down and write out a note.
Choosing a Condolence Card, Note or Letter
There are several different ways to send send sympathies when one learns of bad news. A condolence card or sympathy card is the simplest and the shortest way. This may be as simple as picking out a pre-printed card, signing your name and sending the card.
A condolence note or sympathy note is somewhere in between the brief sympathy card and the formal sympathy letter. A condolence note is often used to express more immediate condolences (other than a text message) on hearing bad news. Some condolences are now sent by email, depending on the relationship with the bereaved person.
The condolence letter or sympathy letter is the most formal option. Formal condolence letters are sent within two weeks of the loss or death, neatly written or typed on stationery and hand signed.
Writing the Condolence Note
After reviewing thousands of condolence letters, Zunin and Zunin shared the four key elements to include when writing a condolence note in their book, The Art of Condolence.
The key elements are:
- Acknowledging the loss and the name of the deceased;
- Expressing your sympathy;
- Noting special qualities of the deceased; and
- Ending the letter with a thoughtful word, a hope, a wish or expression of sympathy.
Writing a condolence or sympathy note can be very simple if you break the process down into four areas of the "NOTE" (slightly adjusted to create a memory aid).
- Name the deceased and acknowledge the loss.
- Offer your sympathy or condolences.
- Tell a Story or Share a Memory.
- End with a thoughtful expression or closure.
Following the simple "NOTE" mnemonic will help in remembering the four elements to include in a condolence note: name, offer sympathy, tell a story and end thoughtfully.
Example of a Condolence Note Using "NOTE"
Begin the note by greeting the note's recipient, naming the deceased and acknowledging the loss. A suggestion for starting, "Dear ______, I am so saddened to hear about ____________."
Then, offer words of sympathy or condolences, such as, "My thoughts are with you during this time of loss."
Next, tell a story or share a memory: "I will always remember your _________'s smiling face and thoughtful ways. He/she would always be ________________."
End with a thoughtful expression or closure like, "My thoughts will be with you during this difficult time." Additional suggestions for closing a condolence note are included next.
Suggested Ways to Close a Condolence Note
There are different thoughtful closures that can be used to close a condolence note. Some suggestions include:
- "You are in my thoughts"
- "With heartfelt sympathy"
- "Thinking of you during this difficult time"
- "With deepest sympathy"
- "Sympathies from all of us"
- "With heartfelt condolences"
- "My sincere sympathy"
- "Thinking of you and your family"
It's best to choose the one that feels right, as it is likely to be the right one for the situation.
Long-term Benefits of Sending a Condolence Note
While the time spent writing a condolence note may not seem like much, the benefits of writing and sending a condolence note can be long lasting for the person who is grieving the loss. Sending a note lets the grieving person know there are family and friends to support him or her during their time of loss. In a time when writing notes and receiving a card is almost a lost art, receiving written condolences can be a welcome sign of support, a bit of hope during a difficult time.
Resources:
Zunin and Zunin. 1991. The Art of Condolence. New York, N.Y.: HarperCollins Publishers.
Menkin, E; Wolfson, R; Weissman, D. 2000. Fast Fact and Concept #22: Writing a Condolence Letter. End-of-Life Physician Education Resource Center www.eperc.mcw.edu.
Kirsti A. Dyer - Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT is a respected physician, health educator, professor, author and lecturer.
