The harsh words and actions of an angry teenager often push a parent’s hot buttons to a point where all parenting skills go out the window. “Adolescence is a lot like the terrible twos, when children also get volatile, impulsive, unpredictable, and frustrating to deal with,” writes David Walsh, Ph. D. in his book No: Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear It and Ways to Say It (Free Press, 2007).
When an angry teenager explodes, it’s extremely important that parents don’t lose control too. “A child needs his parents most when he is sad or angry or afraid,” author John Gottman points out in Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (Fireside, 1997). Parents of teens can use the anger management tips below to stay calm and deescalate a conflict with an out of control or angry teenager.
Positive Parenting Skills to Stay Calm
When an angry teenager is raging, an easy response is for parents to join in and rage back. It almost goes against current culture for parents to allow teens to “get away” with explosive behavior. Many parents feel that they must threaten or give out punishments to deal with a teenage temper tantrum, but those actions will only escalate the conflict.
The following parenting skills are a sampling of Positive Discipline Tools that can help parents stay calm when facing an angry teenager:
- Positive Time Out: Parents can walk away and take a parent time out so they won’t lose control when their teenager does. It can be helpful for a parent to announce to a teenager that he or she is walking away so to stay calm.
- Understand the Brain: When the brain is upset, it does not think rationally. Parents should not try to solve the problem when they or their child is upset. It’s more effective to wait for a cooling off period.
- Don’t Back Talk Back: Either simply say, “I’m listening” or show understanding through validating feelings or take deep breaths.
- Anger Wheel of Choice: When teenagers are not calm, help them explore healthy ways to vent their anger and create their own personal list of choices for ways they can calm down. When a teen is angry, act without words and redirect them to their list of ideas for calming down.
More ideas and parenting skills are offered on a set of Positive Discipline Parenting Tools: 52 Cards to Improve Your Parenting Skills (Empowering People, 2009), available in a hands-on card deck set or as an iPhone/iTouch application.
Self Talk Anger Management Tips
Parents can learn to be their own best friend or their own emotional coach as a strategy for remaining calm. Parents can use self talk to help them not lose control when an angry teenager is working hard to push emotional hot buttons. Some parents may even find it helpful to write down these reminders on paper to keep in a wallet or purse or other convenient place.
Different types of self talk work for different parents, but the focus should be on parenting skills that will not further provoke an angry teenager and will help a parent remain rational.
Examples of self talk and written statements to stay calm are:
- My child needs me to stay calm.
- I need to walk away right now so I won’t yell.
- I need to write down my angry statements on paper instead of yelling back at my teenager.
- If I yell, I am escalating the situation.
- When I stay calm, I’m not being permissive. I’m modeling rational behavior.
- My child will get calmer once he feels understood. Just listen.
Ongoing Anger Management Tips for Parents
Parents can usually manage anger more effectively if they are practicing good parental self-care practices which include the following tips.
- Make time for yourself and your hobbies on a daily or weekly basis.
- Schedule regular one on one bonding time at least one hour per week to build a relationship with a teenager.
- Do not be a permissive parent. Permissive parents may take the easy way out for the moment, but they often build up resentment which later spills out into other areas of life.
- Practice good sleep habits.
- Do not go into debt buying children material items they don’t need. Give teenagers the gift of "saying no."
- Go on a monthly date with a spouse or significant other.
- Work to create a balance between parental duties, family responsibilities and having a personal life or your own.
It isn’t easy to stay calm when a raging teen is ranting, yelling or slamming doors, but using parenting skills that deescalate a conflict can help teens feel loved and learn emotional skills in the long run. If parents constantly lose control, they are modeling the exact behavior they don’t like for teens to use. Parents can use anger management tips such as calming self talk, a parent time-out, redirecting a teen’s actions and practicing parental self care skills to deal with teen drama or an angry teenager.
Kelly Pfeiffer - Kelly Pfeiffer teaches Positive Discipline workshops to parents and trains child care providers on various child development topics.
