Time-In Versus Time-Out

A Positive and Compassionate Alternative to Punishment

Jun 16, 2008
Sara McGrath

Time-In - Scott Liddell

Time-in is the new time-out. Parents and caregivers seeking positive and compassionate alternatives to harsher forms of discipline are turning from time-outs to time-ins.

As were time-outs before them, time-ins are promoted as a gentle, effective tool for managing the undesired behaviors of young children. Proponents of both methods claim to help children calm down in the face of difficult situations, but what makes time-in different from time-out?

What Distinguishes Time-In from Time-Out?

Time-In

The adult invites the child to the time-in place. (However, a child who has lost control and presents a danger to others may need help getting to the time-in place.)
Time-in is time together. It promotes a cooperative partnership between adult and child, during which communication remains open.
Time-in focuses on regaining peace between all concerned, rather than on right or wrong. It assumes that the undesired behavior feels unpleasant enough in itself without adding to that pain.
Time-in is time to regain connection, balance, centeredness, and mutual well-being.
Time-in shows the adult's willingness to help the child. It shows that the adult's ultimate love and care of the child are unconditional and unphased by any undesired behavior.
Time-in is about feeling good. Children are invited to time-in as a positive reinforcement of the adult and child's caring relationship.

Time-Out

The parent forces the child to the time-out place.
Time-out is time apart. The child is isolated. The adult withdraws attention from the child.
Time-out is punitive. There is a shame element.
Time-out focuses on right and wrong.
Time-out withholds attention (and love, as perceived by the child). It shows that the adult's love and care of the child is conditional.
Time-out is about feeling bad. Children are put in time-out as a negative reinforcement of undesired behavior.

Young children regard themselves through the eyes of their caregivers. Giving time-in in response to unwanted behavior shows the child that the adult's love and care of the child is unshakable. It shows the child that the adult wants to help the child feel better.

Time-outs, on the other hand, perhaps especially those given names such as the "naughty chair," carry the potential to damage the relationship between adult and child and to negatively affect the child's self-esteem. A child with poor self-esteem, who feels unsupported or unloved, is less likely to practice mutually desirable behavior in the long term than one who feels secure in his or her self and relationship to caregivers.

More About Time In and Time Out

Dr. Peter Haiman, chairman of the Department of Child Development and Early Childhood Education at the University of South Carolina, argues against time-outs in his The Natural Child Project article, "The Case Against Time-Out."

Chris Charlwood's "5 Reasons Why Time-Outs Can Be Harmful" on rootParenting also points to some harmful consequences of using time out as a punishment.

For more information on time-ins, see Scott Noelle's four-part series beginning with Time-In.

Parents and caregivers practicing time-in together with children help those children develop emotional intelligence, relationship skills, increased self-awareness and self-determination, and positive self-esteem. These practices promote long-term success in maintaining and regaining balance in the face of difficult situations. Time-ins provide a more effective long-term solution to stopping undesired behavior by providing children with the skills they need to solve their problems and to work together with others toward collective well-being.

Sara McGrath - Sara is a veteran homeschool mom of three, Usborne consultant, and the author of Unschooling: A Lifestyle of Learning.

Comments

Sep 24, 2008 8:07 AM

Guest :

But with his method, don´t you end up teaching your child that if they misbehave that they get more attention from the parent so when life gets busy they use misbehavior to get the attention that they crave? I personally think that time out can be misused and be scarring to the child if used improperly but sometimes you have to take attention away when they do things that are wrong so the behavior is not reinforced.

Sep 24, 2008 4:32 PM

Sara McGrath :

I remember doing things to get my mother's attention when I didn't know how else to communicate my need.

If a parent's life gets so busy that the child uses undesirable behavior to get the parent's attention, I think the parent could take the child's attempt as a sign to slow down an focus on what matters most.

Children need their parents' attention. "Misbehavior" doesn't feel any better to the child than to the parent. I don't believe that responding to the child's need would necessarily elicit more undesirable behavior.

In my experience with my own children, when I slow down and attend to my children, this reinforces that I care about their needs and I see less undesirable behavior from them.

Oct 17, 2008 9:58 AM

Guest :

Have we completely forgotten that the positive value of discipline is teaching children that there are consequences for bad behaviour? Is this how we teach our children respect for law and order, by giving them hugs when they misbehave?
All discipline should be given in a level-headed manner, but must include positive and negative in order to be effective. Misuse of too much love can be as devastating for a child as physical abuse.
Lastly, let us remember always, that our duty as parents is not to raise "children" but to raise them to be adults.

Oct 17, 2008 1:57 PM

Sara McGrath :

An adult who would create a time-in connection with a child does so to show the child unconditional love, regardless of "bad" behavior or otherwise acting out to show a need or communicate emotions. This adult doesn't hug the child for the undesirable behavior, but rather comforts the pain the child expressed and works with the child cooperatively to get back to a place where the child no longer feels bad enough to act out. Everyone wants to feel good.

I can't imagine "too much love" being harmful or respect being taught through disrespecting the child's attempts to communicate his or her feelings, which how I perceive the practice of time-out.

I don't believe that punitive discipline is effective in the long term or in more than a superficial way in the short term. The punished child may appear to "behave," but it doesn't feel good and it isn't internally motivated. It's done under threat of harm or threat of love withdrawal. This child doesn't feel respected or cared about and doesn't learn to respect others.

Oct 21, 2008 12:29 AM

Vivienne May Ball :

Good article. I hadn't heard of time in before but it sounds a good idea. So many children are calling out for love and acceptance and bad behaviour usually has some reason for it. Why is it that in many areas in the Western world people want to be harsh with their children?

Keep up the good writing.
Vivienne Ball

Dec 3, 2008 9:26 AM

Guest :

anyone who has taken a basic psychology class should understand why time outs do not work.

punishments do not work - ever. you are not causing someone to do something less, instead you teach them to avoid the punishment. think about it before you assume that too much love is bad.

May 16, 2009 9:58 PM

Guest :

anyone who has taken a basic psychology class would ALSO know that time out is not punishment. it is negative reinforcement.
i personally feel that both time out and time in methods can be used effectively.
if a child is giving the impression that they need comfort, and will willingly come sit with the parent, i would use time in. but if they are hitting and resisting, time out would be my choice. for time out, explain what they've done wrong, put them in the chair and wait a few minutes (varies based on age) until they've decided they want to cooperate. then go to them, make sure they understand what they did, the give them hugs and kisses! as long as time out ends with the child understanding why they were sent there, and are shown lots of love once they've calmed down, i think it's a perfectly reasonable form of discipline.

May 16, 2009 10:13 PM

Sara McGrath :

In my view, punishment and negative reinforcement are one and the same. Punishment attempts to attach punitive value to a behavior. In other words, negative reinforcement.

When a child expresses a feeling by reacting with an undesirable behavior, and an adult puts the child in time-out, telling the child the behavior is "wrong," the child will likely interpret this to mean that the feeling is wrong.

The time-in approach would have the adult assure the child that his or her feeling is recognized and understood, but that the behavior was undesirable to others.

Jun 3, 2009 2:02 PM

Guest :

Wow Sara, you must have a LOT of time on your hands. You can honestly tell us all that there has never been a situation where your attention MUST be focused elsewhere, and your child must be expected to maintain their good sense for the moments you must focus on something else? Do you have a live-in maid? Do you have only one child? You must not have a job outside the house either.

But I suppose the rest of us parents who have to focus on, oh, say dinner burning on the stove, or cleaning the butt of another child, or any of the other things we're required to do to maintain a house are just neglectful child abusers?

If my toddler decides that I've spent a little too much time cleaning the puke off the floor before the dog and baby slide through it, and he chooses to hit his brother or break a lamp to get my attention, you think I should stop what I'm doing, leave the baby to do God knows what, and focus all my attention on my toddler? So then he can learn that anytime he wants his way, he should just do something bad? Brilliant plan.

I'm personally so sick and tired of hearing all the ways I'm going to "damage" my child and cause them "low-self-esteem" when all I do -- all any of us do -- is the very best we possibly can.

Signed: The natural birthing, breastfeeding, baby wearing, cloth diapering, sometimes cosleeping, loving parent who chooses to discipline my child.

Jun 4, 2009 11:17 AM

Sara McGrath :

To put my parenting situation into perspective: I have three children between the ages of 8 months and 6 yrs old; I work from home; the kids and I do our own maid work. I have all the time anyone has - 24 hours in a day, a life time. I purposely look for ways to make life happy for me and each of my children. Sometimes that takes some creativity, such as when two needs seem to be vying for instant gratification. But I think it's worth it to reach for more than just getting by, just coping with all the responsibilities of life. I keep my heart wide open throughout it all. That is my best.

Jan 26, 2010 10:39 PM

Guest :

I think you have over-simplified the issue, demonized time-outs, and presumed far to much about how they can be applied. [E.g. misbehavior can often feel quite good to the child but happen to be dangerous to themselves or disrespectful to others; also limits and consequences are not synonymous with feeling bad, not to mention the fact that children are individuals and don't all respond the same way to a given approach, and if the limits are clear, consistent, and enforced without anger, it is very easy to associate the time-out with the behavior and not the child-- they're not so stupid that they can't tell the difference between vengeance and sticking to the rules.]
Every educated parent I know personally concedes that in reality, parenting generally requires a little of both.Yet your characterization of time-outs comes off as sanctimonious and evangelical-- as if only 'bad' parents with anachronistic ideas about discipline employ them-- as if the date 1957 erases recent research on when they are still appropriate. This impression is reinforced as you argue with commenters. Do you presume to guide the misguided to the truth?

Jan 27, 2010 8:50 AM

Sara McGrath :

This approach will certainly not appeal to everyone. I put it out for those caregivers to whom it does appeal. I don't intend to convert anyone, so I also don't feel the need to defend my position. I have given some further explanation in comments, but this I did simply for clarification when people seemed to misunderstand. I don't intend for anyone to take offense, feel judged, or respond defensively. In my experience, when I feel defensive, it signals that I don't feel completely at peace with my practices.

Mar 9, 2010 7:28 PM

Guest :

I just returned to this link because I remembered this article as a good example of something I am having a discussion about with colleagues.
I had never seen the last comment before, but now that I have [even months after the fact], I just can't resist.

1) "This approach doesn't appeal to everyone." Apparently you intend to insinuate that time-ins do not appeal to those who disagree with what you have said here, when in fact none of the five people who objected said anything of the sort. I use time-ins, always have, and will wager the others do as well. It was your unequivocal dismissal of time-outs that elicited the criticism. If by 'this approach' you mean the approach of using one way exclusively and urging others to do so as well because the other way is bad--then, yup. Unappealing.

2) you 'clarified' five times, apparently coincidentally, to each commenter who criticized either your position or your presentation of it, or in other words, to every single negative comment. That 'clarifying' included new points. We call that 'arguing' where I come from, but if 'clarifying' works for you, cheers. Still scratching my head over the lack of clarification for the two positive comments, however [apparently you agree that harshness in discipline is a peculiarly western phenomenon].

3) Your left-handed accusation of defensiveness is a priceless piece of oblivious irony. Seriously, type the whole thing up, change your name, and hand it to somene relatively objective, without any explanation. See what they say after they read it.

The discussion, if you’re interested, is about what advantages, from the standpoints of evolutionary and social psychology, are conferred by belief systems that include stark dichotomies, intolerance, and evangelism; in other words, what is it in human nature [deeper than multiple choice questions on standardized tests] that makes so many people think that problems have only one right solution, and that they need to convince others of what that is?
Perhaps your article doesn't really represent that sort of thinking, but your responses to comments illustrate my point perfectly, and have used the article, the comments, and your responses to the comments as a textbook example of a manifestation of the heuristic in a seemingly unrelated, secular context.
I've been indelicate because the attitude frankly irks me wherever it appears, but in the end I am only accusing you of being human.

Apr 16, 2010 6:04 AM

Guest :

I have a 'spirited' child who is about to turn 3 and it has taken me this long to work out a behaviour guidance technique which actually works for her. She resists praise and positive reinforcement (no idea why!) she resists, rebels and retaliates to punitive punishment such as time out and I was pulling my hair out to work her out and make things more peaceful in our home. I read some similar articles and started talking to her about how her actions affect the people around her and my then 2 year old actually cared! She wants her family to feel happy and at peace and wanted to help with that. When she 'lost it' I treated it as a developmental stage- she hasnt yet learnt how to control her emotions in certain situations and I dont punish her for not yet knowing that- I teach her how. I wouldn't punish a child who misspelled the word 'received'. I would talk her through it and discuss how the English language is difficult! I wouldnt sit her in a room and tell her dont do it again. Childrens' "misbehaviours" are errors because they haven't yet mastered socially acceptable behaviour. Some adults still havent!
Some techniques that help my 3 yr old include taking deep breaths together in stressful situations, have cuddles, distract ourselves or get the hell outta the supermarket when she's tired and is screaming cause she just cant deal with that- and thats ok! Shes 2. I've had 30 yrs to learn how to control my emotions and I still have trouble when faced with certain disappointing situations, why do we expect a child who only has 2 yrs of experience to be calm and collected in a situation which is emotionally difficult? Imagine if some A-hole cut you off and nearly smashed ur car with your kids inside, you lost your temper and abused them out the window possibly using some profanity- do you go and sit in the laundry for 30 minutes (reflecting your age!) until you've calmed down for doing the wrong thing? Or do you talk to your partner about the incident, explain how worried and angry you felt and finish with a cuddle and hearing the words everythings gonna be OK. Your partner still loves you even tho you lost it in a stressful situation.
I think we need to show the same compassion with children and teach them the techniques we use to regain control when we've lost it, because it's real lifelong learning.
BTW I don't want to dispute any other behaviour guidance techniques other families use. Pareting is the most difficult job in the world and the most important! If it works for you great. Im simply posting this as it is different to the traditional methods many of us were raised with and is another alternative for those who are searching. If yours works for you and your family- go for it.

Apr 16, 2010 5:31 PM

Sara McGrath :

Thanks for sharing your experience! Yes, children have the same complexity of feelings as adults, but with less experience coping with them. I remind myself to put myself in the child's place as imagine how I might feel and what response I would appreciate from the people I love and trust.

Apr 29, 2010 7:21 AM

Guest :

This is for spineless jellyfish who are scared to ever admit their little angel might not just be so perfect. Children do hurtful things. Time to teach them the difference between right and wrong. Not that everything is ok, because mommy said so. Kid is going to have to grow up and deal with the real worl someday, not the plastic bubble you make for them. This kind of crap makes me want to gag.

Jul 25, 2010 9:17 AM

Guest :

We are doing a hybrid of both systems. The child has to sit by me, they don't have a choice. I don't talk to them beyond short statements telling them what they need to do in order to go back to whatever earned them a "break", negative behavior is ignored. I have them sit by me because it's easier than chasing them back and forth from time out, and allows me to supervise them more closely, it's more of a logical consequence than putting them in the corner.

Apr 5, 2011 11:10 AM

Guest :

Often which children are acting out it's because they need more attention from loved ones. To suggest that this technique is only giving them attention for their behavior is somewhat accurate, however have people considered that children act out for attention because they need attention? Working with children to meet their needs is always the best choice, it creates intrinsic motivation to do the right thing. We should never be afraid to show our children love.

Apr 5, 2011 2:21 PM

Melissa :

Great article. Thank you for sharing. I used to believe time out were the gold standard until I had children and really thought about. I have had much more success with time ins especially with my very spirited 2 year old.

I have a few things to say about the negative comments.

1- whether you do time in or time out you are still drawing attention to the behavior. It just makes the difference between whether your child learned from their behavior.
2- with time outs a child may learn not to do something in front of you but will still do it if they won't get caught. This leads to lies, secrecy and detachment.
3- being isolated is not a consequence to a behavior and is an easy out to parenting. A consequence would be having to clean up a mess you made or tending to someone you hurt.
4- if you aren't concerned about the future well being of your child then why have them. Just to perpetuate the human race with uncaring people. Time outs seem to be the answer for parental frustration not to the benefit of the child.
5- to the comment about puke on the floor. Life can be overwhelming and prioritizing is important. Talk to your child about how that hurt their sibling while you clean and that you will be there in a minute to discus what happened. Maybe the child hit as an outward expression of your frustration.
6- time out is disrespectful. Could you imagine if adults had time outs fir the things kids get them for?
7- you are correct, children aren't stupid.... That is why you don't need to isolate them. Simply talk to them.

I realize many of you are going to be upset with my comments. I wonder if any of the nay sayers have actually tried time in for awhile to see if it works for your situation? Also please educate yourselves and don't just do what everyone else is doing. There has been slot of credible research done on respectful parenting including time in approaches that prove the benefits and how the negative effects of time outs in the long term.

Apr 5, 2011 9:44 PM

Melissa :

Post note.
Sorry for spelling or grammar errors in my last post. My iPhone auto corrected my typing and I didn't realize until now

Apr 6, 2011 7:31 PM

Guest :

In order to intervene most appropriately for any child, one must first establish the motivation behind the behavior. If challenging behavior appears to be motivated by a desire for adult attention, then "Time-In" will reinforce this behavior and teach the child, "if I need mummy's attention, then this behavior will get it." Likewise, if the inappropriate behavior is motivated by a desire to escape a certain situation (i.e. sitting still for too long, being in an uncomfortable situation, etc) then the "Time-Out" method will teach children that inappropriate behavior is the perfect means of escape. Either approaches have some positive and negative aspects. However, both interventions are reactive rather than proactive. Once you have a firm grasp on what is motivating the most challenging of behaviors, it would behoove any parent or caregiver to find ways to proactively address their child's issues. For example, if a child seems to be craving attention, it would help to teach them appropriate ways to seek out attention and also build time into the day when you are able to give them attention for positive behaviors while simultaneously removing attention for those challenging behaviors. Likewise, if your child is feeling overwhelmed in certain situations, you might give them a word or short phrase for them to use to indicate "I need a break!" before the challenging behavior begins or escalates.

Also, on a slight side note, "Time-Out" is not considered Negative Reinforcement. Reinforcement by definition is something intended to increase a specific behavior. The word "negative" does not imply value, but rather the removal of a stimulus. For example, a child who does an especially nice job in school that day may have that evening's chores removes in order to increase the likelihood that the child would engage in positive behavior in the future. "Time-Out" would be considered Negative Punishment, as punishment indicates something that will decrease a behavior in the future. A child who hits while playing with peers has the play experience removed from them (negative) in order to decrease the hitting behavior in the future. Positive punishment would be introducing an unpleasant stimulus, such as more chores. These terms are often misused and take away from the validity of one's argument.

Apr 22, 2011 9:08 AM

Guest :

I remember doing things to get my mother's attention when I didn't know how else to communicate my need.

May 23, 2011 7:07 AM

Guest :

Lovely article, time-ins are VERY effective in my home. My son turns 2 next month and I am ecstatic to say that your parenting methods have eliminated (what used to be very frequent) tantrums. Thank you, I believe you are changing the world as this young generation receives more love and attention than their parents did.

May 23, 2011 8:45 AM

Guest :

when I started some time-outs with my then-3-year old, I felt like I needed MORE time-outs, because he was getting mad and doing things wrong more often. I decided that instead of being taught that his feelings don't matter, and are in fact BAD, he needs to learn to deal with his feelings and control them -- which is what time-in does. If he gets mad for no *apparent* reason, he needs to learn to handle that anger - we need to help him to that.
yes, he still does what I tell him not to sometimes, and we are still struggling with how to get him to listen better. But he's 4, he still has a lot of maturing to do. And I have seen a lot of improvement, just in time, so I expect to see more improvement as more time passes.
I don't think there are any quick fixes. we need to teach our children love and respect, for themselves and others.

Jun 14, 2011 8:20 PM

Guest :

Fantastic article, well done Sarah, identifying and meeting the child's real feelings and real needs has been clearly shown to build emotional and social intelligence. Children can only be, act and learn at their best when they live in a non-threatening environment.

Rewarding a child with empathy and loving attention when they exhibit off track behaviour is as essential as eating when we're hungry. They can and will only learn from us when we show them that we're caring for them. You're right that this is becoming the new norm as more and more parents read books that clearly explain the implications of attachment theory, it's the first time in history that we have the research to back our natural parental instincts to treat our children with loving kindness, especially when they need our guidance. Children, like us adults, are only willing to learn from those who treat them with care, kindness and understanding.

Jun 17, 2011 10:22 AM

Guest :

Im sorry, but I think this is a load of crap. According to this , we already to a " Time in".. but only after my child has had a time out. I WANT them to feel shame over the wrong thing they did. I WANT them to see that bad behavior sends them to "jail".. THEN I show them my love is always unconditional... but their bad behavior is NOT going to earn them extra special time with me.

Jun 17, 2011 3:48 PM

Guest :

Hmmm....I have three kids, ages19, 13 and 3. I am also a business owner and an unschooling mom. I don't have "extra time on my hands". I don't punish my kids, though. I don't think not having time on my hands is an excuse for how I treat the people I love. I also don't do time in, but I appreciate the idea much more than punishing. I would never give my kids time out, ground them, otherwise punitively parent them. Treat children the way you'd like to be treated, people!

Jun 27, 2011 3:03 PM

Guest :

"Respect for Law and Order" is fear of punishment which controls and does nothing to teach the child true understanding of right and wrong. Law and Order has not kept people from murdering each other, it's just generated a whole new system that we all must support with our taxes. Teaching children to trust their instincts is far more important than scaring them into submission.

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Time-In Versus Time-Out

A Positive and Compassionate Alternative to Punishment

What Distinguishes Time-In from Time-Out?

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