For many people sending offers of sympathy and condolence is almost reflexive after hearing about the death of a family member or friend. People instinctively want to reach out and help, to offer support and comfort to those suffering from the loss.
One way of doing so is by honoring the old tradition of sending a condolence note, sympathy card or condolence letter.
A well-written condolence letter speaks from the heart of the writer to the heart of the grieving person; the sympathy letter is written as though the writer is speaking directly to the grieving person.
Knowing how to write a sympathy letter can make it more likely that a person will send a letter of condolence following a time of loss.
Sympathy Letter vs. Sympathy Card or Condolence Note
The Condolence Letter or Sympathy letter is the longer, more formal expression of sympathy. These two terms are often used interchangeably.
The formal Condolence Letter should be sent within two weeks of the loss or death, neatly written on stationery; it and may be sent as a follow up after sending a Condolence Note. Formal condolence letters are sent by businesses, health care professionals, veterinary professionals and the military.
A Condolence Note or Sympathy Card (Condolence Card or Sympathy Note) are the less formal forms used to express condolences or sympathies immediately following a death.
Why Write a Condolence Letter
Think of the sympathy letter as a written condolence call; it is a permanent reminder of your support for the grieving person. One of the main benefits of having condolences in written form is that the grieving person can pull out and reread the condolence letter at any time to remember.
Condolence letters sent following the death of a loved one are saved as treasured mementos and tangible reminders of the comfort received from friends, colleagues and other loved ones following a death.
How to Write a Condolence Letter
Zunin and Zunin reviewed thousands of condolence letters when researching their book, The Art of Condolence. They discovered seven key elements go into writing the typical Condolence Letter.
The key elements are 1.) Acknowledging the loss and the name of the deceased. 2.) Expressing sympathy. 3.) Note special qualities of the deceased. 4.) Including a memory of the deceased. 5.) Reminding the grieving person of their personal strengths or special qualities. 6.) Offering help, but making sure it is a specific offer and 7.) Ending the letter with a thoughtful word, a hope, a wish or expression of sympathy.
Writing a Condolence or Sympathy Letter can be very simple if one remembers the letter will be sending COMFORT to the grieving person (slightly adjusted to create a memory aid).
- Comment on the loss and the name of the deceased
- Offer sympathy
- Mention special qualities of the deceased
- Find a special memory to share
- Offer specific help
- Remind the person of his or her strengths and special qualities
- Thoughtful closure
Following the simple COMFORT mnemonic to write a Condolence Letter will help in remembering the seven elements to include in a Condolence Note: Comment on the loss, Offer sympathy, Mention special qualities, Find a special memory to share, Offer specific help, Remind the person of strengths and end with a Thoughtful Closure.
An Example of a Condolence Letter Using the COMFORT Reminder
This is an example of a sympathy letter that could be sent to a friend following the unexpected death of her husband.
1. Comment the loss and the name of the deceased.
Dear ______,
I was so saddened to hear about _______’s death. It was so unexpected.
2. Offer Sympathy
I am thinking about you and your family during this very difficult time.
3. Mention special qualities of the deceased.
I will always remember _______’s calming presence during…
4. Find a special memory to share.
I remember the time when _______ went …
5. Offer specific help.
I will call you in a few days to see if you need help with the children or with shopping.
6. Remind the bereaved of their personal strengths or special qualities.
I know that your faith, family and friends will help you make it through this challenging time.
7. Thoughtful Closure
To quote a Josh Groban song,
"I know you’re there. A breath away's not far to where you are."
You will be in my thoughts,
(Your Signature) __________
Suggestions for Condolence Letter Closures
Zunin and Zunin recommend closing a condolence letter using thoughtful words, a prayer or a simple expression of sympathy as suggested by Zunin and Zunin. Typical letter closures such as "Sincerely," "Love," "Fondly," or "Warm Personal Regards" are not the best for Sympathy Letters.
Some suggestions for closures:
- With Sympathy
- With Deepest Sympathy
- My Sincerest Sympathies
- Sympathy from all of us
- My Condolences
- With Heartfelt Condolences
- Thinking of you
- You are in my thoughts
- I'm praying for you
- You are in my prayers
The time you spend to write down your message of COMFORT in a Condolence Letter can yield invaluable, long-term healing benefits for the grieving person and their family. These letters may be saved for years after the death and taken out anytime the grieving person wants to remember the comfort received from others during a difficult time. The thoughtfulness of this gesture of support will be remembered long after the death.
Resources:
Dyer KA. 2008. How to Write a Condolence Letter. Squidoo.com
Dyer KA. 2008. How to Write a Condolence Note or a Sympathy Note. Squidoo.com
Zunin and Zunin. 1991. The Art of Condolence. New York, N.Y.: HarperCollins Publishers.
Kirsti A. Dyer - Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT is a respected physician, health educator, professor, author and lecturer.
