Real Freedom is Living Outside the NT Box: Re: New to this

» Recola - Re: New to this

Hello Dehout
You seem to be in almost the same space that I am - see my response (#20)to A.J.Marhari's #2 article (Jan 16). I have known my boyfriend for 6 months now and at first was very taken by his even and happy temperament, but as our relationship deepened I found myself questioning his reasoning - or lack of it, his eccentricities, and his apparent need for structure with the mundane things in life. There are dozens of things I could mention but also realise that not all Aspies are similar. At 61 and never having been diagnosed, he is fairly open to the realization that he has AS. About the time I met him I was myself starting therapy for other issues I had, and when I was kept getting upset about him I thought, as you did, that it was my fault, and when he shut down or shut me out I thought it was because I was being difficult. However I have since realised that when I am unhappy about something he internalises it and gets quite depressed because he doesn't know how to deal with it. A couple of times he has just left me crying and has run away, only to come back a day later. Other people do not understand this behaviour and really believe that he is a man behaving badly. My grown up daughter even told him off. I tell people why I think he is different and most people think I am covering up for him I'm sure - however I know a few people who are aware of AS and they are supportive. The problem is that I am a very sensitive being and when his different behaviour or sudden unrelated remarks happen, I have to put my own feelings aside and figure out where he is coming from. I go between loving him to bits to wanting to break away because I have a pattern of being a caretaker in relationships, and long ago realised that I have needs too. I know that I can have no expectations with him, if I do I will set myself up for disappointment (as just happened with Valentines Day).
I wonder about your relationship with your husband before you married and whether or not it was a difficult one then, as you said you could not reach or understand him. It is amazing how many women look to themselves as the cause of relationship problems. I never had the slightest inkling about AS before I met my guy and and neither did he, but it explains so much about his unfulfilled life and seeming irresponsibility whilst at the same time he is extremely truthfull and dependable, although way too generous for his own good. He also lives very much in the present and never plans for the future beyond a week - takes him forever to move ahead with a committment or to get out of one once he is in it.
I think that all we can do is read and research - I regularly go back to this site - especially when I feel upset - to get some perspective. I would also like to get some help or couples counselling, or find a group. When I have my own "downs" I feel I can't cope with him. You are not alone and I wish you the best of luck!

-- posted by Recola