Real Freedom is Living Outside the NT Box

» tamara_peters - Well done!

Thanks, A.J., for another informative, thought provoking article. Great job!

Just wanted you to know that I've featured this article on the Health COI page for this week.

Keep up the good work.

Regards,
Tamara

-- posted by tamara_peters

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» ajmm - Re Real Freedom Is Living Outside the NT Box

Hi Tamara,

Thanks so much for your kind words.

A.J.

-- posted by ajmm

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» tamara_peters - Re: Re Real Freedom Is Living Outside the NT Box

In response to Re Real Freedom Is Living Outside the NT Box posted by ajmm:

You're very welcome, A.J.. I appreciate all the hard work you're putting into your topic. Your dedication shows..

-- posted by tamara_peters

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» Red - real freedom...

AJ,

It my grandson is any indication, he lives free as the wind. With him, there are no gray areas, only black and white. He sounds rude sometimes because he tells things as he sees them. Unless someone takes the time to get to know him, they think of him as outspoken and aggressive. He is learning though and has come a long way in the last 2 years.

I think that Aspies have a better outlook on life than NTs. They know what they want and strive to get it. They are honest and speak their mind. To me, those are admirable qualities in a world where people lie and deceive in the name of being nice.

Thanks for another great article. I'm glad it was featured in the Health Community.

-- posted by Red

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» deehout - New to this

have been married for 2 1/2 years to a wonderful and beautiful man (an engineer turned IT guru!) who I have been unable to reach or understand. I have been in private therapy for 18 months believing that my failure to communicate with him was as a result of my fear of commitment. Listening to my stories about my husband my therapist became convinced that he was suffering from some or other disorder. The fact that he cuts the labels out of all this clothes and refuses to wear certain fabrics coupled with his exaggerated intolerance for noise altered her to the fact that he might have a sensory disorder.
After repeatedly begging him, last month I finally managed to get him to start joint therapy with me with a new therapist. The fact that something was wrong was so obvious that at the first session our therapist suggested that he may be suffering from depression. At the second session the therapist asked my husband several questions about obsessive behavior and social anxiety. When I related these things to my private therapist she immediately suggested that I read 'Loving Mr Spock' by Barbara Jacobs. I spent all weekend reading the book and for the first time in my life with my husband I have felt both understood and that I understand. Ms Jacobs, I see you communicate on this site and if you read this I want to say thank you. For years I have felt and been confused by my intense and overpowering loneliness and have felt so guilty for feeling so lonely when I share my world with such a wonderful man.

It is early days and, as I continually caution myself, no diagnosis has been given. However, as an ardent and committed skeptic, I am not one to easily fall for fads, theories or explanations. It is, however, just too much of a coincidence that I so perfectly fit the role of NT partner while my husband's oddness seen in the light of AS makes such perfect sense.

I made the mistake of confiding in a girlfriend over a glass of wine and shed tears. After only three days of myself understanding what AS is, I have already had to confront the horror of prejudice, fear and ignorance. My friend said she was horrified that my therapist had given me the book when she had never met my husband. She was afraid that the "stigma" of a classification was dangerous and that I must face up to and accept responsibility for the fact that it takes two to make a relationship fail and I should not shift all the blame onto my husband by "giving him a mental condition".

I would very much appreciate any tips or pointers on how to handle this initial period.

-- posted by deehout

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» Red - Re: New to this

In response to New to this posted by deehout:

deehout,

I am not a professional, but if reading, "Loving Mr. Spock," helped you understand your husband better, then it was well worth it. I know several adults who have AS. I'm not sure if this is what your husband has, but it is possible. Do lots of research and find out how AS compares to your hubby. A good place to start is at Tony Attwood's site. He is an AS specialist and knows lots about the subject.

-- posted by Red

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» Recola - Re: New to this

Hello Dehout
You seem to be in almost the same space that I am - see my response (#20)to A.J.Marhari's #2 article (Jan 16). I have known my boyfriend for 6 months now and at first was very taken by his even and happy temperament, but as our relationship deepened I found myself questioning his reasoning - or lack of it, his eccentricities, and his apparent need for structure with the mundane things in life. There are dozens of things I could mention but also realise that not all Aspies are similar. At 61 and never having been diagnosed, he is fairly open to the realization that he has AS. About the time I met him I was myself starting therapy for other issues I had, and when I was kept getting upset about him I thought, as you did, that it was my fault, and when he shut down or shut me out I thought it was because I was being difficult. However I have since realised that when I am unhappy about something he internalises it and gets quite depressed because he doesn't know how to deal with it. A couple of times he has just left me crying and has run away, only to come back a day later. Other people do not understand this behaviour and really believe that he is a man behaving badly. My grown up daughter even told him off. I tell people why I think he is different and most people think I am covering up for him I'm sure - however I know a few people who are aware of AS and they are supportive. The problem is that I am a very sensitive being and when his different behaviour or sudden unrelated remarks happen, I have to put my own feelings aside and figure out where he is coming from. I go between loving him to bits to wanting to break away because I have a pattern of being a caretaker in relationships, and long ago realised that I have needs too. I know that I can have no expectations with him, if I do I will set myself up for disappointment (as just happened with Valentines Day).
I wonder about your relationship with your husband before you married and whether or not it was a difficult one then, as you said you could not reach or understand him. It is amazing how many women look to themselves as the cause of relationship problems. I never had the slightest inkling about AS before I met my guy and and neither did he, but it explains so much about his unfulfilled life and seeming irresponsibility whilst at the same time he is extremely truthfull and dependable, although way too generous for his own good. He also lives very much in the present and never plans for the future beyond a week - takes him forever to move ahead with a committment or to get out of one once he is in it.
I think that all we can do is read and research - I regularly go back to this site - especially when I feel upset - to get some perspective. I would also like to get some help or couples counselling, or find a group. When I have my own "downs" I feel I can't cope with him. You are not alone and I wish you the best of luck!

-- posted by Recola

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» beejayUK - Re: Re: New to this

In response to Re: New to this posted by Recola:

Hi deehout and thank you for thanking me!
What you're now experiencing with your friend is what Tony Attwood calls 'The Cassandra Phenomenon'.
Friends tend to misunderstand the condition, and also your own feelings about it, and don't want to listen.
And how wrong is this friend? What you're doing is exactly what I did, exploring what might be going wrong in your relationship, trying to find a key to bringing you closer together, you're certainly not stigmatising your husband.
How anyone could think that AS is a stigma is completely beyond me! It's a difference, is all, and is a fascinating and wonderful difference.
When I first discovered that the random differences I saw in my partner were a pattern which fitted into the Triad of Impairments, which placed him on the autistic spectrum, it was a liberating experience for both of us. What I valued in him, and still value, was his typically AS honesty, almost a pure way of looking at the world and communicating with it. He taught me so much, as did the very many others on the spectrum whom I met while trying to find out more about the man I loved. Their stories are in the book, as you know, and the stories of partners of men and women with AS.
What I wanted to do, in writing the book was to validate the condition, to say that of course a relationship between NT and AS is possible and can be successful, with one proviso - that both partners understand and accept the differences and allow each other space. Being AS is an exhausting way to live a life dominated by NT social mores, as everything has to be thought through, worked out, worked at. One AS wrote to me recently saying that when he read page 13 of my book he finally he realised that his way of thinking was 'different' and he cried on his wife's shoulder and told her that he now realised that what she'd been telling him was true - he had Asperger's Syndrome. It has saved their marriage. This is the extract on page 13 which had such a profound effect on him:

"Life to an Asperger is a series of strategic decisions at every moment of every day. Danny had to always think what to next, run a thorough investigative internal dialogue before he could face a decision, a meeting, before he could read or answer a letter, instead of just knowing, as the rest of us do. It was like having to turn back to the beginning of the reference book in his head and work through it, instead of being able to home in on a well-thumbed page, or read the index.
Nothing came naturally. He had to work things out. He had also to keep running reality checks – is this my route? how do I know? what are the signposts I'm familiar with? please don't move anything! This incessant theorising, having to route everything through the brain instead of relying on intuition, means that he was in a constant state of alertness, and anxiety. No wonder he had patches of eczema all over his body. No wonder he had to carry a nebulizer for his asthma. No wonder he had to get away from it all "

I think you might like to talk to your husband about the way he 'thinks'. It really could help.
The initial period is difficult, as you have to get your head round the whole thing first, and read everything you can about the condition, and then, if you still feel he has AS, try some minor modifications of your behaviour, to see whether your understanding could work to improve the relationship.
Finally, though, you may have to broach the subject to him, as an explanation. My friend told me that I was making excuses for Danny's behaviour. I said that they weren't excuses, they were the reason. This is the only way to look at it - logically and sensibly, without hurt, or blame or regret, but to see the entire spectrum as I now do, in (in Donna Williams' wonderful description) 'all its gobsmacking rainbow glory'.
All the best!

BJ
x

-- posted by beejayUK

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