Big Jerk Vs. Adult D
- Japan_Grandma
- wombat8
- Japan_Grandma
- quam
- wombat8
- Japan_Grandma
- wombat8
This archived discussion is "read only".
» Japan_Grandma - My daughter's husband
At age 20, my daughter met a guy who was 28 and who appeared to her to be a sophisticated, older, foreigner. (He is English.) Very soon after we met him, we did not like him. Fast forward almost 9 years. They have been married 5+ years and she wants a baby. Last month he announced he didn't love her anymore and he hadn't since last fall. She was devastated and is now looking into a divorce. They both went into counseling separately. Well today she said HIS counselor thinks he may have Asperger's Syndrome. All I knew about AS was it was related to autism. my question is this. Can you tell the difference between being a big jerk and having Aspurger's?? Is it possible to not be diagnosed until you are 37?? What does it mean for her marriage? Do adults with Aspurger's use it as a crutch or excuse for what I would just call being a jerk? Any input is appreciated.-- posted by Japan_Grandma
» wombat8 - My daughter's husband
In response to My daughter's husband posted by Japan_Grandma:
You may be better off joining an existing topic such as:
http://www.suite101.com/discussion.cfm/a...
I read a few topics within suite101 where what I see as an unprofessional counsellor, arises. Separate counselling means a right to confidentiality and does not involve medical diagnosis way outside their expertise.
Your daughter survived nearly 9 years without seeing any problem..or loving him despite it?? If you never liked him to start with and feel he is a jerk for whatever unstated reason, I'm not sure what comfort or benefit you'd get out of a diagnosis..for you or your daughter..let alone him.
Asperger's Syndrome is a genuine medical condition that is very hard to properly diagnose and is a valid reason for extreme difficulties in relationships. I don't believe they use it as an excuse in the sense they deliberately choose to. It is a condition at high risk of stigma.
-- posted by wombat8
» Japan_Grandma - My daughter's husband
You are right. Although her sisters, my husband and I never liked him, our daughter always seemed crazy about him and overlooked his faults. I hoped that she was right, and they would be happy together. And outwardly it seemed like they were. And then out of the blue, he announced he didn't love her, they wanted different things in life. So then they both started separate counseling. She was making progress and then he came in yesterday and said his counselor thinks he has Aspurger's Syndrome. I read the discussions you sent me to and about 80% of those people sound like him. BUT, the real question I have still is IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE HAD THIS ALL YOUR LIFE AND NOT HAVE IT DIAGNOSED UNTIL AGE 37? And, can people conquer it? Thanks. I am sorry if I sounded like I didn't think it was a real disease.-- posted by Japan_Grandma
» quam - My daughter's husband
In response to My daughter's husband posted by Japan_Grandma:I'm 24 and was just diagnosed with AS a couple of months ago, so yes it is possbile. as far as conquering goes, there is no cure if the anxiety and emotional regualtion center of your brain is that of an eight year old, but education and vitamin supplements like magnesium have been helping me to better regulate my behavior.
-- posted by quam
» wombat8 - My daughter's husband
In response to My daughter's husband posted by Japan_Grandma:"IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE HAD THIS ALL YOUR LIFE AND NOT HAVE IT DIAGNOSED UNTIL AGE 37?"
YES! I understand it's more easily identifiable as a toddler. BUT the longer it takes to correctly diagnose problems in the behavioural area, get it properly treated even before it's conclusive..the slower the progress..poorer the prognosis..generally.
Sorry for confusion. You initially said 'she' (your daughter?) told you..now you say 'he' came and told you what his own counsellor thinks ie suspects. Some cultures, the use of gender is interchangeable in print but I'm a bit slow 
. I don't want to sound pedantic BUT it still hasn't been diagnosed even at age 37, on what you say.
Your 'real' question can't be isolated from the situation you're all in. I mentioned before it's a very hard condition to diagnose in adults and part of that is the limits of diagnostic testing for AS, whether the symptoms causing problems are mild or severe and what is known as differential diagnosis..whether other problems need to be excluded first. This can take many stabs at what the problem is and attempts at treatment or getting the person to seek treatment or comply with it. The other issue is what I call relationship behaviours which can confuse medical issues. (Within suite101, most relationship discussion focus on the problems of the partner or 'guilty' person so the "diagnosis" of a problem in the other person feeds the debate)
His social successes eg school and employment etc etc. All of this could mean serious problems might have been very obvious and under treatment or investigation well before and he didn't (stigma?) or couldn't (insight?) tell your daughter. Or, lack of resources etc, he slipped under the radar.
There's a lot of stigma associated with this and other problems like it. Your mum-in-law already thinks you're a jerk. How easy is it to tell her this!?
So, how the facts are used when dealing with relationships is risky. The fact is..a person with AS has a pretty good excuse/reason for their behaviour..what excuse do those without it, offer.
"Conquering" AS in any real sense, I think, has a lot to do with gaining realistic expectations and how supportive the treating and social environment is. It's a form of developmental disorder (where autism is the most severe) that actually produces mental health problems that may go on to hide the underlying problem.
But this is not a medical site and I'm not a professional. I go elsewhere for detail such as the quality website:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/
I don't know if the moderator of this topic..AJ Mahari..pops in but here is a link to one article about adult asperger's:
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/adul...
Quam has lived it so maybe can help out here. The 'education' mentioned, I think is a form of 'cognitive behaviour therapy'?
-- posted by wombat8
» Japan_Grandma - My daughter's husband
Thanks for your response. Sorry about the he/ she confusion. Yes, He told my daughter HIS counselor had told him he thought he has Aspurger's. Then my daughter told ME what he had said. There was no real breach of confidentiality, or at least not from the counselor. Neil just told Carrie what the counselor said, and then she told me. I am not really sure what qualifications his "counselor" has. They at first looked into marriage counseling, at my daughter's request. And then he said he didn't want that but would go to individual counseling. So now they both are seeing 2 different counselors. I think there are other issues besides the possible Aspurger's, and like you say, it hasn't been officially diagnosed. It is just his counselor's impression right now I guess. For one thing he drinks a LOT. Carrie always excused that by saying the English drink more than we do, and maybe that is true. I probably have 6 drinks in a year's time. I just don't like alcohol that much; it isn't from a moral feeling about it. I would rather get spare calories from chocolate. When we talked to Carrie today she sounded the best she has sounded since this all started, so at least her counslor is doing her some good. I just really was sort of afraid she would go back to him if she thought he had a disease. But I really don't think that is going to happen. Always sad when a marriage breaks up though. I will check out those other websites. Thank you-- ref="/discussion.cfm/adult_aspergers/125482/1182939">My daughter's husband posted by wombat8:-- posted by Japan_Grandma
» wombat8 - My daughter's husband
In response to My daughter's husband posted by Japan_Grandma:I would rather get spare calories from chocolate
"I just really was sort of afraid she would go back to him if she thought he had a disease. But I really don't think that is going to happen."
There are many unavoidable consequences to mental health problems where awareness and expectations collide.
Hope you all get through this OK.
-- posted by wombat8
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